{transparency}

I was just reading Heather’s most recent blog post about being transparent and sharing struggles with the blogosphere. I really appreciate Heather’s willingness to be open and honest about her life. I don’t typically write about such things, mostly because writing about Starbucks and decorating is way more fun. I feel so heavy right now with “stuff,” that writing about frivolity is a nice escape. That said, I have been trying to come up with something to write about the last few days, to no avail. Nothing interesting has happened and I haven’t uploaded any new pictures yet. So, after reading Heather's post, I thought, “Why not be transparent? If I can lift someone else up or if one person prays for me, that’s not a bad thing.” So here goes. Here are a few of the things that are weighing me down right now:

*Feeling lonely as an outsider. We recently joined a new church that we really love. We love the teaching and the worship and the people are absolutely awesome. But I am struggling to find my place in the world of young marrieds. With the exception of a very small few, the women my age have very young kids and are consumed by the world of young motherhood, a world I am obviously not a part of.

*How to be married and love Paul well. I love, love, love being married. It’s so much better and easier than I anticipated, and it’s such a release for me, after all the work of wedding planning and all the drama of moving to Cincinnati. But sometimes I have a hard time being in a relationship. Sometimes (okay more often than not) I just want to do my own thing, I don’t want to consider someone else’s feelings, and I want it my way. I miss being single in some ways. And I sometimes resent that it’s not my way all the time. And more often than not I feel guilty about not being a “good wife,” whatever that means.

*Being content where I live. I’ve never really been happy living in the area we live in. I dreaded it before I moved in to Paul’s house, and I don’t really feel much more content about it now. And now that we go to a church that is a 40 minute drive, the discontent is really wearing me down and I get a headache thinking about what our next step should be. Of course, the housing market sucks and there’s no way we can sell the house right now. So, do we try and rent it while we buy anther house? Or do we just stay while I try not to be bitter and annoyed for the next three years? And either way, I know God has placed us in that house right now for a reason, but Paul and I both struggle trying to get the motivation to use the opportunity we have to be good witnesses.

Wow, I do feel better now, not trying to keep it all in. Thanks, Heather!