i never talk about god.

You can’t see what time I’m posting today, so I’ll tell you: 12:37 p.m. Wait, you ask, aren’t you supposed to be on your Wendy’s to get a post-second church service home-style chicken Go-Wrap? Yes, I am. But I’m at home, still in my pajamas having just finished off a cup of coffee, slice of pumpkin bread, and episode of Brothers & Sisters. Do I feel guilty? Nope. Should I? Don’t know. But this post really isn’t about whether or not I should have been at church this morning, but more what I’ve been pondering in the absence of doing that.

First, just because I never write about God here, doesn’t mean I don’t ever think about Him. There’s just not a whole lot to say about Him when you’re writing about Lean Pockets, apple orchards, and comfortable shoes. Just wanted to clear that up.

Where am I going with all this random business? Not actually sure. But I really wanted to talk about God because He has been on my mind this morning. And so have the topics of fear and waiting. Such have been the cornerstones of my life: afraid to change, go, trust, connect, try, etc. and impatient in waiting for “my real life” to happen.

I live in an almost constant state of fear—fear that God will turn my comfortable life upside down completely in an instant without warning me that it’s going to happen. And so I try to make sure I have at least one “bad” thing going for myself—kind of like insurance so that something really bad won’t happen. I also try to hold on to parts of my life and keep them as my own so that God can’t have His way with me. In a sense, I really don’t want to know what it would be like for God to be completely in control. I really have trouble focusing on heaven, and the purpose of being here on earth. It’s not about comfort, happiness, fun, it’s about obedience and relationship. Not that these things are mutually exclusive. He just wants it all to be in the context of Him.

I really like the post I just read at the blog, 97 Seconds with God: “I used to be afraid that God was going to make me a missionary and send me to Guam….I honestly thought that if I gave my all to God, that if I turned over my whole life, he would turn it upside down instantly.” Later in the post the writer says, “I think the truth is that when we turn ourselves over to God, he doesn’t make us into someone else. He makes us into who we have always been. He amplifies the parts of us that are true. He purifies the dreams we’ve always had or the skills we’ve always used. He doesn’t turn poets into mathematicians or scientists into painters. If anything, I think he gives artists even more colors to create with, scientists even bigger labs to experiment in…I’m a writer and when I gave my life to Christ, he didn’t ask me to stop writing. In many ways, he asked me to start writing.”

So nothing profound or earth-shattering happening here. Like you didn’t already know that I have fear issues, right? I think it's probably a pretty common concern to some extent anyway. So there you go.